Ronald Weasley is Spiderman
by dracochik
Summary: A hilarious fanfic that will leave you rolling on the floor laughing. If you like HP, Lotr, Potc, and Spiderman, then you'll love this fic. Most of it is me torturing the characters in humorous ways. Happy Reading!
1. Ronald Weasley is Spiderman

[Dracochik] Okay everyone! We're all going to make a funny Harry Potter/Spiderman crossover parody thing!!!  
  
[Harry] This cant be good...  
  
[Dracochik] Hmmm...Harry, you are Spiderman.  
  
[Harry] WHY?? Why do I always hafta be the hero?! LEAVE ME ALONE!! *runs off crying.*  
  
[Dracochik] OOOOK....Ron, you can be Spiderman.  
  
[Ron] WHY?!?! I HATE SPIDERS!!!   
  
[Dracochik] Too bad, so sad. I hate spiders too, but you dont see me crying about it.  
  
[Fred] *throws spider at Dracochik*  
  
[Dracochik] AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! *Crushes spider with an anvil.*  
  
[Fred] HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!  
  
[Dracochik] *Hits Fred with an anvil.*  
  
[Everyone] Ow thats gotta hurt...  
  
[Dracochik] NOW...IF ANYONE DISAGREES WITH ME FROM NOW ON THEY'LL MEET MR. ANVIL! GOT IT?!?!?!  
  
[Everyone] *nod their heads*  
  
[Dracochik] Good. Now that thats cleared up, I'll give the rest of you your parts. Draco dearest, you can be Flash Thompson.  
  
[Draco] YAY! IM EVIL!!!  
  
[Dracochik] Anything for you, my husband!  
  
[Draco] Im not your husband.   
  
[Dracochik] *Holds up the anvil*  
  
[Draco] I LOVE YOU DRACOCHIK!  
  
[Dracochik] Thanks more like it. Anyway...who would like to be Mary Jane Watson?  
  
[Ginny] ME!! OH PLEASE ME!!! IM A RED HEAD JUST LIKE HER!! I WOULD BE PERFECT FOR THE PART!!!  
  
[Dracochik] Yes...If you wanna kiss your brother upside down in the rain.  
  
[Ginny] Nevermind...  
  
[Hermoine] I'll take the part. Besides, the name 'Watson' is so appealing and sounds so familiar.  
  
[Dracochik] Emma Watson.  
  
[Hermoine] Who is this "Emma Watson"??  
  
[Dracochik] Nevermind Bushyhead. You're Mary Jane Watson. Lucius Malfoy, you can be Mr. Osborn.  
  
[Lucius] Who said I was going to be in this charade?  
  
[Dracochik] I did, my dear father-in-law.   
  
[Lucius] Father-in law? Why thats preposturous!  
  
[Dracochik] *Holds up anvil again*  
  
[Lucius] Papa is here!  
  
[Dracochik] *smiles evilly* Harry shall be Harry Osborn, Spiderman's best friend!!  
  
[Harry] *stops crying* WHAT??!!! MALFOY IS MY FATHER???  
  
[Lucius] Yes Harry...I AM YOUR FATHER!  
  
[Dracochik] OH PLEASE dont start that whole star wars thing. Anyway...Crabbe and Goyle can be Flash's friends.  
  
[Crabbe and Goyle] DUUUH....  
  
[Dracochik] Mr. and Mrs. Dursley can be Aunt May and Uncle Ben. And I'll assign the other Harry Potter characters with their   
  
parts while we go through the story.  
  
[Uncle Vernon] Why are we involved in this mess?  
  
[Dracochik] Because I will enjoy seeing you die.  
  
[Aunt Petunia] DIE?? DIE?!?!?! My dear husband will die?  
  
[Dracochik] If you give me a cookie maybe he'll live.  
  
[Aunt Petunia] But I dont have a cookie! My dear Dudderkins ate them all!  
  
[Dracochik] THEN YOU ALL SHALL FACE MY WRATH!!! LET THE MOVIE BEGIN!!  
  
*Silence*  
  
[Dracochik] I said LET THE MOVIE BEGIN!  
  
*Silence*  
  
[Dracochik] GRR...RON!!! *Glares at Ron who is now looking into a mirror and counting the freckles on his face.  
  
[Ron] what???  
  
[Dracochik] GOSH! READ THIS CARD!! *passes Ron a card*  
  
[Ron] Hmm ok...'Who am I? You sure you wanna know? The story of my life is not for the faint of heart. If somebody   
  
said it was a happy little tale...if somebody told you I was just an average, ordinary guy, not a care in the world...somebody   
  
lied.' GOSH THIS IS SOOO CORNY!  
  
[Dracochik] Its what Peter Parker says in the beginning of the movie, so READ!!! OR I'LL GET MY ANVIL!!  
  
[Ron] *whimpers like a little girl* fine...'But let me assure you, this, like any story worth telling, is all about a girl.   
  
That girl. *camera points at Hermoine* The girl next door. Mary Jane Wa--  
  
[Dracochik]Just say Hermoine.   
  
[Ron] OKOK! 'Hermoine Granger! The girl I've loved since before I even liked girls.' Wait a second! I dont love Hermoine and   
  
I've always like girls!  
  
[Dracochik] *Hits Ron with the anvil*  
  
[Ron] OOOOUUCH!!! OKOKOK!!! I LOVE HER!!   
  
[Dracochik] Keep going.  
  
[Ron] I'm finished reading the card. Now what?  
  
[Dracochik] Chase after the school bus.  
  
[Ron] which one??  
  
[Dracochik] That one over there!!  
  
[Ron] *chases after the bus* STOP THE BUS!!! STOP THE BUS!! I NEED A RIDE BECAUSE IM TOO CHEAP TO BUY A NICE   
  
CAR TO SHOW TO HOT CHICKS!!  
  
*Bus Driver ignores Ron and keeps driving*  
  
[Hermoine] Stop the bus you creten! Let the loser on or I shall cast a powerful hex upon you!  
  
[Dracochik] You dont have magical powers in this story.  
  
[Hermoine]SSHHH! DONT TELL HIM THAT! HE MIGHT BELIEVE ME AND STOP THE BUS!!!  
  
[Ron] YOU CALLED ME A LOSER!!  
  
[Hermoine] *Ignores Ron* Just let him on.  
  
[Dracochik] But its soo much fun to watch him chase after us! Look at him go!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! THAT LOSER!!  
  
[Bus Driver] *Nods in agreement.*  
  
[Hermoine] DO IT! OR I SHALL FORCE YOU TO READ!  
  
[Dracochik] NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! ANYTHING BUT THAT! FINE!! STOP THE BUS!!  
  
[Bus Driver] What a way to ruin the fun...*stops the bus*  
  
[Ron] *gets into the bus*  
  
[Passenger #1] Dont sit by me, loser!  
  
[Ron] Move over.  
  
[P #1] no.  
  
[Ron] yes.  
  
[P #1] no.  
  
[Ron] yes.  
  
[Dracochik] Dont move over, Passenger #1. You might get freckles.  
  
[Ron] But freckles arent contagous!  
  
[Dracochik] They are in this story. Why do you think people dont get near you?  
  
[P #2] Just get moving freckles!  
  
[Ron] *walks angrilly down the bus aisle, searching for a seat. He sees Draco with his arm around Hermoine and stops*  
  
[Dracochik] Keep walking.  
  
[Ron] No. If I keep going i'll get tripped.  
  
[Dracochik] What?  
  
[Ron] I SAW THE MOVIE! Peter Parker gets tripped by Flash Thompson's friend!  
  
[Dracochik] So what? Thats sooo funny! *pushes him down the aisle of the bus and he gets tripped by Crabbe.*  
  
[Ron] OUCH!  
  
[Dracochik] HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! *points at Ron* HAHAHAHAHAHA! EVERYONE LAUGH WITH ME!! HAHAHAHAHAHA!  
  
[Everyone] HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!  
  
*Bus stops and everyone starts getting off.*  
  
[Ron] Dracochik is going to kill me.  
  
******************************************  
  
HEHEHE...that was sooo much fun!! Hope you all like it~ I'll write another chapter as soon as I can, but only if people like it.   
  
PLEASE REVIEW!! AND YOU'LL GET ONE OF AUNT PETUNIA'S COOKIES!!!  
  
...:::[-=DrAcOchiK=-]:::... 


	2. To The Museum of Radioactive Spiders and...

To The Museum of Radioactive Spiders and Telescopies...  
  
[Limo pulls up in front of the school with Harry and Mr. Malfoy in it.]  
  
[Harry] But I dont wanna go to school!!!  
  
[Mr. Malfoy slaps Harry] Shut up! You hafta go to this public school because you're too stupid to go to a private school! FLUNKY!  
  
[Harry] WAAAAAAAAAA! IM SO ASHAMED!  
  
[Malfoy] Dont be ashamed of who you are.  
  
[Harry] *In a cheerful voice* Okay! *Gets out of car* Ron!!!  
  
[Ron] Hey, Harry!  
  
*Dracochik is whispering frantically with Mr. Malfoy.*  
  
[Mr. Malfoy] FIIIINE!  
  
[Dracochik] Read whats on your card.  
  
[Mr. Malfoy] It says, "You forgot your backpack Harry. I, being the wonderful father that i am, will give it to you now." Oh GOD I hate being his father.  
  
[Dracochik] Too bad.  
  
[Harry] I forgot my backpack! I feel so ashamed! WAAAAAAAAA!  
  
[Mr. Malfoy] Dont be ashamed of who you are....SO! You must be Ron. Harry tells me you're quite a science-whiz. You know, I'm something of a scientist myself.  
  
[Dracochik] BULL!!  
  
[Mr. Malfoy] HEY! IM JUST READING THE CARD!  
  
[Dracochik] Of course Mr. Elf. Continue.  
  
[Mr. Malfoy] I want to adopt you, Ron.  
  
[Harry] I KNEW IT! YOU NEVER LOVED ME! WE'RE THROUGH!  
  
[Ron] Um...Thats ok Mr. Malfoy....I already have a horrible aunt and uncle.  
  
[Harry] WAAAAAAAAAAAAA!  
  
*Mr. Malfoy ignores Harry and walks away.*  
  
[Dracochik] Field trip!  
  
[Ron and Harry] What?  
  
[Dracochik] Field trip! You've just missed the bus to the museam with radioactive spiders!  
  
[Ron] *sighs in relief* good...I hate spiders.  
  
[Dracochik] Oh just because you missed the bus, doesnt mean we arent going.  
  
[Ron] But I dont wanna go!  
  
[Dracochik] *takes out anvil*  
  
[Ron] I would love to go!  
  
[Dracochik] Thats better.  
  
[Harry] So how are we getting there?  
  
[Dracochik] *Is somehow now dressed in a Gandolf costume with a big pointy hat that falls and covers her head and baggy robes and fake santa beard, and is holding up a staff thingy.* We shall go on a mission...Quest...thing! Hurry young haflings! *Pokes Harry and Ron with the staff*  
  
[Ron] Ouch! That hurts!  
  
[Dracochik] *Takes out anvil* Would you rather I use this?  
  
[Ron] No.  
  
[Dracochik] *begins poking him with the staff again.* I've always wanted to ride in the Black Pearl.  
  
[Harry] The what?  
  
[Dracochik] The Black Pearl! DUH! Havent you seen Pirates of the Caribbean?? Its a black ship with black sails with a dark crew led by a Captain so evil that Hell itself spat him back out.  
  
[Ron] That sounds scary!  
  
[Dracochik] And we're going to ride it to the museum!  
  
[Harry] *In a high-pitched girly voice* Why?? Im scared!  
  
[Dracochik] Because I love Johnny Depp and Orlando Bloom more than life itself!  
  
[Harry] Who??  
  
[Dracochik] Captain Jack Sparrow and Will Turner...Here we come!  
  
[On the Black Pearl]  
  
[Jack Sparrow] Yo ho ho! A pirate's life for me!!!!  
  
[Will Turner] SHUT UP! STOP SINGING THAT SONG! ITS DRIVING ME CRAZY!!!  
  
[Dracochik] This is the song that never eeeeeeeeends! And it goes on and on my frieeeeeeeends!  
  
[Will] NOOOOOOOOO! ANYTHING BUT THAT!!!!!  
  
[Dracochik] Ok, my love!  
  
[Jack] Oy! Who are you, sailor?  
  
[Dracochik] *Is suddenly now dressed in a formal ballgown like the chick in Pirates of the Caribbean*  
  
[Will] UGH! SHES A FAN GIRL! HIDE MEEEEE!  
  
[Dracochik] MY LOVE! I HAVE LIKE 50 PICTURES OF YOU IN MY LOCKER AT SCHOOL AND LIKE A BILLION IN MY ROOM! (A/N: Really...I do.) DONT RUN AWAY! *chases after Will*  
  
[Jack] ooooooooooooook....  
  
[Ron] Oooooooooo...what is this? *holds up a glass of rum*  
  
[Jack] Thats rum, sailor! Have a drink!  
  
[Harry] *Is runned over by Will who is still running away from Dracochik.*  
  
[Dracochik] *stops and is breathing heavily* GOD HE RUNS FAST!  
  
[Ron and Jack] Yo ho ho! Yo ho ho! A pirates life for me! *waves their bottles of rum around.*  
  
[Will] *Yells from a distance* WHAT DO YOU WANT WITH US?!?!  
  
[Dracochik] We must sail to the museum with radioactive spiders and telescopes!  
  
[Will] IF WE TAKE YOU THERE WILL YOU LEAVE ME ALONE?!  
  
[Dracochik] Of course!  
  
[Will] *calms down* Great.  
  
[Dracochik] I'll just go bother Legolas then!  
  
[Will] *Groans*  
  
[Jack] *In a drunk voice* Alrighty sailors! TO THE MUSEUM OF RADIOACTIVE SPIDERS AND TELYSCOPIES....  
  
[They somehow by mysteries unknown arrive at the Museum]  
  
[Dracochik] THANKS WILL! I LOVE YOU!  
  
[Will] *covers his ears* Im not listening! Im not listening!  
  
[Jack] Thanks for having rum with me, sailor Ron!  
  
[Ron] Lets do it again sometime!  
  
*The Black Pearl flys away*  
  
[Dracochik] Okay, heres the deal. In the movie spiderman, Peter Parker makes some smart comments about telescopes and spiders and then takes pictures of Mary Jane Watson. So Ron...you know what you must do now.  
  
[Ron] but I dont have anything smart to say! And I dont own a camera!  
  
[Dracochik] Dont worry! I've already covered it!  
  
[In Colin Creevey's house]  
  
[Colin] WHERES MY CAMERA?!?!?! HOW AM I SUPPOSE TO STALK HARRY NOW?!?!?!?!? NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
------------------------  
  
MUAHAHAHAHA! I KNOW IM EVIL! Hope you all like the new chapter! Oh the next one is gonna be good....*Laughs evilly*  
  
...:::[-=DrAcOcHiK=-]:::... 


	3. Mommy! Smeagol! Whats cute, precious?

[Ron] You stole Colin's camera? How is he suppose to stalk Harry now?!  
  
[Harry] You make that sound like its a bad thing.  
  
[Dracochik] *turns around and gasps* HEY! WHERE DID THE MUSEUM OF RADIOACTIVE SPIDERS AND TELESCOPIES GO?!?!  
  
[Ron] *starts skipping around in circles* IM FREE! IM FREE!!  
  
[Dracochik] Oh no you're not. You're not free until this story ends.  
  
[Ron] WHAT?! WHEN WILL THAT BE?!?!  
  
[Harry] This is the story that never eeeeeeeeeeeeeeends and it goes on and on my frieeeeeends!   
  
[Ron] NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!  
  
[Draochick] YEEEEEEEEEEEEEES! *Is out of the ballgown and is now in a batman costume* MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!  
  
[Ron and Harry] *Keeps mouth closed because if they dont Dracochik might do something horrible to them*  
  
[Dracochik] Theres only one thing to do now! We need to find the Museum of Radioactive Spiders and telescopies.  
  
[Ron] *whines like a little girl* do we hafta?  
  
[Dracochik] *in a mother-like voice* Dont you take that tone with me young man!  
  
[Ron] I CAN IF I WANT!   
  
[Dracochik] *gasps* YOU'RE GROUNDED!  
  
[Ron] YOU'RE THE WORST BAT-MOM EVER!  
  
[Dracochik] Starts sobbing on her cape.  
  
[Harry] *goes over to Dracochik and pats her on the back* sssssssshhhh...its ok...dont cry...hes doesnt deserve you as a mother...*glares at Ron*  
  
[Ron] Shes not my mom anyway!  
  
[Dracochik] *gasps once again and hits Ron with an anvil*  
  
[Ron] CHILD ABUSE!  
  
[Harry] I'll call 911! *starts dialing random numbers on a cell phone.*  
  
[Person on Phone] Hello, Pizza Hut.  
  
[Harry] I want 495873945 pizzas.  
  
[Pizza Hut man] Sorry, we cant give you that many pizzas.  
  
[Harry] WHY NOT?!?!?!  
  
[Pizza Hut man] We don't have enough cheese.  
  
[Harry] WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!  
  
[Dracochik] Whats wrong?  
  
[Harry] MOMMY! THIS MAN ON THE PHONE IS BEING MEAN TO ME!  
  
[Dracochik] *grabs the phone* And why are you being mean to my son?  
  
[Pizza Hut man] I'm sorry miss, but he wanted 495873945 pizzas. We don't have enough cheese for that.  
  
[Dracochik] YOU ARE SO GROUNDED MR. PIZZA HUT MAN!  
  
[Pizza Hut man] Oh mom, I'm so sorry!   
  
[Dracochik] EXCUSES! *hangs up the phone*  
  
[Ron] Quit the mom/batman act. We need to find the Museum with Radioactive spiders and telescopies!  
  
[Dracochik] You actually wanna go there now?  
  
[Ron] No.  
  
[Dracochik] Oh well, we really do need to find the Museum now, and I know exactly who will lead us there.  
  
[Harry] Who?  
  
[Dracochik] Smeagol!  
  
[Smeagol] Hurry Hobbits! Smeagol has come to help you.  
  
[Ron] What the heck...Im no hobbit!  
  
[Harry] Hobbit? Never heard of a hobbit before. Sounds like orc mischief to me!   
  
[Smeagol] ORCS?!?! AAAAAH! *curles up into a ball and rocks back and forth*  
  
[Dracochik] No...no orcs here. Just take us to the Museum please.  
  
[Smeagol] I know a way through the marshes...orcs dont use it...orcs dont know it...  
  
[Ron] Nooo! Dont trust it! It might kill us!!  
  
[Dracochik] No he wont! Hes adorable!  
  
[Harry] *walks over to Smeagol and pats him on the head* AAAW! YOU'RE SO CUTE!  
  
[Smeagol] Cute?! Whats cute, precious?!  
  
[Ron] IM CUTE TOO! IM THE STAR OF THIS STORY! I DEMAND TO BE CALLED CUTE NOW!  
  
[Dracochik] You may be the star, but im the author and the official loon of this story.   
  
[Harry] HEY! IM THE STAR! THIS IS A HARRY POTTER FAN FIC!   
  
[Dracochik] Oh shut up, you wanted to be left alone. Now lets get going, Smeagol. Draco is at the Museum and I must give him his chapter kiss.  
  
[Ron] Chapter kiss?  
  
[Dracochik] Every Chapter from now on, I shall give my darling a kiss.   
  
[Smeagol] *mumbles to himself* They took the precious...those theives...*gollum...gollum...*  
  
[Dracochik] Excuse me? Did you say something, Smeagol?  
  
[Smeagol] No Hobbits! Follow quickly! Through the marshes we go, quick as shadows we must be...  
  
---------------------------------  
  
A/N: okay, next time for real, they'll find the museum! Promise!!!  
  
...::::[-=DrAcOcHiK=-]::::... 


	4. A Freak Microwave Accident

[Gollum] Hurry hobbits!  
  
[Ron] I'm not a hobbit.  
  
[Gollum] Stupid, fat hobbit!  
  
[Ron] I'm NOT a hobbit!  
  
[Dracochik] I see all, I know all...  
  
[Harry] You're a psychic? DUDE!  
  
[Dracochik] I can see your every thought...  
  
[Harry] Then what am I thinking?  
  
[Dracochik] You're thinking about ents......NAKED!  
  
[Harry] WHAT?!?!?!........how did you know that?  
  
[Dracochik] I see all, I know all...  
  
[Ron] GOLLUM IS TRYING TO BITE MY FINGER OFF!!!!  
  
[Dracochik] *throws a muffin at Gollum's head*  
  
[Gollum] *gets hit in the head with a muffin* IT BURNS! IT FREEZES!! NASTY ELVES BAKED IT!!! *falls into the water*  
  
[Dracochik] he followed the lights...  
  
[Ron] There are dead things! Dead faces in the water!!  
  
[Dracochik] *screams and tackles Ron* DONT FOLLOW THE LIGHTS!!  
  
[Ron] I WASNT!  
  
[Harry] SHUT UP YOU TWO!! Gollum is dead now so we hafta find our own way through the marshes!  
  
[Dracochik] I know the perfect substitute!  
  
[Kreacher] *pops out of nowhere*  
  
[Dracochik] HIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII!!!!!!!!  
  
[Harry] My house elf! Or my soon-to-be house elf!  
  
[Kreacher] What does Kreacher's new mistress want?  
  
[Dracochik] lead us through the marshes...NOW!  
  
[Kreacher] *leads them through the marshes*  
  
[1485714395 hours later...]  
  
[Harry] I see the museum!!  
  
[Kreacher] Kreacher is happy to have served his mistress! *mumbles under his breath* Although shes an ungrateful, muffin-throwing, tormenting author who deserves to die in a freak microwave accident!  
  
[Dracochik] Tormenting? MUFFIN-THROWING?!?! I'LL SHOW YOU A FREAK MICROWAVE ACCIDENT! *shoves Kreacher in a microwave and watches him spin around in the heat until he explodes*  
  
[Harry] You barbarian!  
  
[Dracochik] *laughs like a maniac*  
  
[Ron] Can we PWEASE go into the museam now?  
  
[Dracochik] Okay, heres your new camera.  
  
[At Colin Creevey's house which is now burnt down to ashes]  
  
[Colin] *shakes his brother, Dennis* WHERES MY CAMERA?!?!  
  
[Dennis] S-some c-c-crazy draco fan t-t-took it!!  
  
[Colin] GGGRRRR...  
  
****  
  
[Dracochik, Ron, and Harry walk into the museum]  
  
[Dracochik] Here's the card with all the smart crap you can say while we're in here.  
  
[Ron]*takes the card* 'This is the most advanced electron microscope on the eastern seaboard.'  
  
[Harry] EEEEW YOU GEEK! What makes you think I WANT to know THAT???!!!  
  
[Everyone] *steps away from Ron*  
  
[Ron] *continues reading card* 'Some spiders change colors to blend into their environment. Its a defense mechanism.'  
  
[Harry] *steals card from Ron* I'm gonna read these facts to Hermoine so she can fall for me instead of my best friend!  
  
[Neville] *looks into the BIIIG microscope* I see dead people...  
  
[Dracochik] *moves microscope in direction of the sun*  
  
[Neville] ooooh...the brightness...my eye...MY EYE!!! IT BURNS!!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAH! *runs into a stack of waffles*  
  
[Dracochik] HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!  
  
[Hermoine] eeeeeeeeeeeew! Spiders are weird!   
  
[Harry] I know, I hate the little things.  
  
[Hermoine] I love them!  
  
[Harry] me too.  
  
[Hermoine] You just said you hate them!  
  
[Harry] No I didnt.  
  
[Hermoine] Okay! *head bands while humming the Harry Potter theme song*  
  
[Harry] You know...*reads card* 'Spiders change colors to blend into their environment. Its a defense mechanism.'  
  
[Ron] HEY! THOSE ARE MY PICK-UP LINES!  
  
[Harry] *ignores Ron* 'This is the most advanced electron microscope on the eastern seaboard.'  
  
[Neville] MY EYE! *runs into Harry*  
  
[Harry] AAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!  
  
[Ron] serves him right for stealing my pick-up lines.  
  
[Dracochik] Take pictures of Hermoine now!  
  
[Ron] Can I take your picture? I need one for the school paper.  
  
[Hermoine] LIAR!!  
  
[Ron] PLEASE?!?!?  
  
[Hermoine] Okay, dont make me look ugly.  
  
[Ron] Well its impossible to make you pretty...  
  
[Hermoine] *starts doing some funky model poses while Ron takes the pictures*  
  
[Radioactive Spider] oooooooh! MAN FLESH! *jumps on Ron's hand*  
  
[Ron] Yea...thats great...wha...? SPIDER! AAAAAAAAAAAAAH! *runs around in circles* DRACOCHIK! HELP ME!!!  
  
[Dracochik] *is too busy trying to kiss Draco*  
  
[Ron] *gets bitten* OUCH!!!  
  
[Dracochik] Uh oh...here we go.  
  
********************************  
  
YAY! I UPDATED AGAIN! I FEEL SO HAPPY!! HEHEHEHE...hope you all enjoyed!! please review!!  
  
...:::[-=DrAcOcHiK=-]:::... 


	5. The Real Galadriel

A/N: Oh dear. I had totally forgotten that I had put this story up on How sad. But someone had told me that I have not updated this since February. Shame on me. We should all throw moltav cocktails at me mercilessly. Oh, and before you read this chapter, please take note that I am in a Lord of the Rings fanatic craze stage. So this chapter will be quite crazy. Enjoy.  
  
-------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
Ron: Am I doing this right?  
  
Dracochik: NONONO!!! THATS NOT HOW YOU FLING YOUR WEB!  
  
Ron: When can I start climbing walls?  
  
Dracochik: WHEN YOU FINALLY GET THE WEBFLINGING RIGHT!  
  
Ron: STOP YELLING AT ME! THIS IS REALLY HARD!  
  
Dracochik: I CANT TAKE THIS! I NEED ELIJAH! -sneaks into Elijah Wood's trailor-  
  
Elijah: Come Billy, Dom, and Sean! We shall throw our hobbit feet at Viggo's head! CHARGE!!!  
  
Dracochik: -steals the One Ring and puts it on- COOOOL! I CAN SEE THROUGH ELIJAH'S CLOTHES!!!!  
  
Elijah: -gasp- Sean! Stop looking through my clothes!  
  
Sean: I didnt say that!  
  
Billy: -screeches- ITS A FAN GIRL!  
  
Elijah: -draws out sting- WHERE?!?!?!?!  
  
Dom: Shes using the power of the one ring!  
  
Sean: I dont think its a fangirl! I think its Sauron back from the dead the haunt us!!!  
  
Billy: But it sounded like a girl!  
  
Elijah: Sauron's a girl? COOL!  
  
Dracochik: I AM THE ALMIGHTY DRACOCHIK! BOW BEFORE ME!  
  
Sean: AAAH! NOT HER!  
  
Elijah: who??? Who is this Dracochik?!  
  
Dom: I've gotten an owl from Harry Potter! He warned me about the almighty and evil author that tortures characters/actors!  
  
Dracochik: I AM HERE TO TAKE MY HUSBAND!  
  
Elijah: -phew- Shes probably just an Orlando fan.  
  
Dracochik: I AM! BUT YOU ARE MY HUSBAND, ELIJAH WOOD!  
  
Elijah: -screams like a little irish girl-  
  
Dracochik: -takes off the ring-  
  
Elijah: NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!  
  
Billy: Shes kinda cute.  
  
Dom: Can I keep her? -pokes dracochik's forehead-  
  
Dracochik: -bites Dom's finger off-  
  
Dom: AAAAAH! MOMMY!!!  
  
Dracochik: -kidnaps Elijah while Sean and Billy look at Dom's finger- HES MINE NOW!! HEHEHE.  
  
Elijah: SOMEONE HELP ME!!! -faints-  
  
Harry: uum...are you sure this is ok?  
  
Dracochik: of course it is! He ran away from me once, hes not running away from me again!  
  
Ron: Elijah ran away from you before? what?  
  
Dracochik: UUUUUH...nevermind about that. Now on with your training, Ron!  
  
Ron: NO! IM SICK OF TRAINING TO BE SPIDERMAN! IM NOT SPIDERMAN! I QUIT THIS CHARADE!  
  
Harry: YEA!! WE GIVE UP! WE'RE GOING TO BE REBELS!  
  
Dracochik: DO NOT ANGER ME! -thunder claps and lightening strikes-  
  
Harry: NO WAY! WE LIKE BEING REBELIOUS!  
  
Dracochik: -roars- YOU HAVE ANGERED ME!  
  
-Harry and Ron scream-  
  
-Everything blacks out-  
  
Scene: Elijah is in a pitch black room with voices...  
  
Elijah: AAAAAAAH! HELP ME!!! IM AFRAID OF THE DARK!!! DRACOCHIK, HAVE MERCY!!!  
  
Voice: #1 Shut up! We've only been here for 4 minutes!  
  
Elijah: WE'RE GONNA DIIIIIIIIIIIIIIE!!!!!!!!!  
  
Voice #2: You're makin my scar hurt! Ouchie!  
  
Elijah: The walls are closing in on me!!! The voices in my head are angry!  
  
Voice #1: What voices in your head?  
  
Elijah: I think I lost my hobbit feet!!! -wails-  
  
Voice #2: No, they're right here.  
  
Elijah: WHERE???  
  
-lights flick on-  
  
(Voice #1 and #2 turn out to be Ron and Harry)  
  
Elijah: I found my hobbit feet! REJOICE!!! -hugs hobbit feet-  
  
Harry: We're in Arwen's bedroom!!!  
  
Ron: COOOOOOOOL! WHERES HER UNDERWEAR DRAWER???  
  
Harry: Over here! -opens drawer-  
  
Dracochik: -pops out of drawer-  
  
Harry, Ron, and Elijah: NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!  
  
Dracochik: -is in Galadriel's clothes- I AM THE NEW LADY OF LIGHT!  
  
Elijah: Wheres the real Galadriel??  
  
Dracochik: Well...she...um..sorta..FELL...  
  
Ron: Fell?  
  
Dracochik: ANYWAY...I was thinking...Ron, you're really scared of spiders...and we need to get ride of that problem if you're gonna be spiderman!!  
  
Ron: How are we getting rid of my fear?  
  
Dracochik: A little trip to Shelob's lair might do it...  
  
Ron: NOOO! HAVE MERCY!!! ITS LIKE SEEING ARAGOG ALL OVER AGAIN!  
  
Arwen: Who are you people? And why are you wearing my underwear on your head?  
  
Ron: Its so silky and soft...-takes underwear off his head- can i keep it?  
  
Arwen: NO! -snatches her underwear away from him- Who are you all??  
  
Elijah: Its me!! Frodo!!  
  
Arwen: Are you kidding me? Frodo is having tea with my father and a band of old ladies with curlers in their hair at the moment, so you cant possibly be Frodo.  
  
Elijah: BELIEVE ME!!!  
  
Arwen: GUARDS!  
  
Dracochik: Wait! I am your grandmother! The Lady of Light!  
  
Arwen: Oh Grandmother Galadriel!  
  
Dracochik: Yes! I am the lady of light!  
  
Harry: No you're not! Arwen, shes not the real Galadriel!  
  
Dracochik: MR. POTTER, YOU'RE ANGERING ME...  
  
Ron: Dude, if we anger her again, we might wake up in Eowyn's bedroom instead!!  
  
Dracochik: -hits them over the head with a big bottle of roboutessin-  
  
Harry and Ron: -wail in pain-  
  
Elijah: I'M TELLIN YOU! IM FRODO! AND THATS NOT GALADRIEL!  
  
Arwen: Theres only one way to find out...we must see my father!  
  
(They all walk downstairs and into Elrond's fancy office)  
  
Elrond: -is wearing an Agent Smith costume- Ah! Mr. Anderson, just the man I wanted to kill...I mean SEE!  
  
Arwen: Father?  
  
Elrond: Oh my God! Excuse me for a moment! -jumps under desk and pops back up with his regular elf clothes on- What is troubling you my dear Arwen?  
  
Arwen: I found these people in my room, and one of them is my grandmother, Galadriel!  
  
Elrond: Galadriel? Long time no see!  
  
Dracochik: Yes! I am the Lady of Light!  
  
Elrond: Yes...I know that already.  
  
Elijah: IT'S ME, FRODO!!! FRODO BAGGINS FROM THE SHIRE!!!!  
  
Elrond: What are you talking about? Frodo is just in the other room having tea with old ladies wearing curlers in their hair.  
  
Arwen: I knew it! But father, why arent you with them?  
  
Elrond: I was just about to join them! Come!  
  
-They all walk into the dining room to see Frodo dancing on the table waving a pint around.-  
  
Elijah: Oh my God! Thats me!!!  
  
Frodo: He was a skater boy! She said see ya later boy! He wasnt good enough for her!!!  
  
Elijah: Nevermind...thats not me.  
  
Elrond: Old ladies, I must ask you to leave. A very important meeting is about to take place.  
  
Old ladies: But we wanna see Legolas!!!  
  
Dracochik: -glares- LEGOLAS IS MINE!  
  
Arwen: But grandmother, you are already happily married to my grandfather, Celeborn!  
  
Dracochik: Oh...him? Well he sorta FELL...  
  
Arwen: Fell?  
  
Dracochik: ANYWAY...dear Elrond, you do believe that I am the Lady of Light, Galadriel, right?  
  
Elrond: We must go through a test!  
  
Ron: I hope its major hard so they'll find out shes a phony so we can get out of here and we wont hafta do the whole spiderman story anymore.  
  
Harry: Umm...yea! Ask her something hard!!  
  
Elrond: Alright. Question #1! What are you? The Lady of Light, or the Lady of Darkness?  
  
Dracochik: Oh! Oh! I know this one!! Its at the tip of my tongue!! uuuuh...The Lady of Light!!!  
  
Elrond: Correct!  
  
Elijah: This is bogus!  
  
Frodo: Who are you? You look just like me!!!  
  
Elijah: But we're not alike in any way, and we're keeping it that way.  
  
Elrond: Question #2! Do you go to King's cross station, bumping into various walls to get through platform 9 3/4?  
  
Dracochik: Yes! All the time!  
  
Elrond I know right! Its so much fun.  
  
Ron: What kind of questions are those?  
  
Elrond: SILENCE! Final question...question #3! Do you hate dwarves?  
  
Dracochik :DUH! They're disgusting!  
  
Elrond: She is truly the Lady of Light!  
  
Harry: WHAT??  
  
Elrond: Only the true Galadriel could answer such questions! You three must stop this! You are burdening the Lady too much!  
  
Ron: Fine. Whatever. We give up. Shes the lady of light.  
  
Dracochik: You know it.  
  
Elrond: Now...Frodo?  
  
Frodo: NOW HES A SUPER STAR! SLAMMIN ON HIS GUITAR!  
  
Elrond: Ok...We shall now go to my council...The Coucil of Elrond!  
  
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YAY I UPDATED! WOOOHHH!!! lol. Hope you all like it. i already have the next chappy planned out too. So keep the reviews coming ya hear??


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